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Today is Sunday. I must go to church. Before I went out, I was very considerate, which church I am going to? I do not know. Consider again and again, I made a clearly decision, in my future, where there is a wonderful music, I go there.
Yeah. Fleeing to the United States has been two years, last night, in my midnight dream, I found that my pain is still no stop. The communist regime gave me a deep hurt and it did not disappear. My mental trauma will always be attacked with the passage times, and there is no sign of self-healing. Could it be said that I will be unhealed? No way! I must use the best music to heal my mind.
So, where is the best music in the world? There are in the churches! I can cry when the organ and the hymns sounded in the dome of church. I must go to cry at every Sunday, otherwise, for a whole week I will be no energy to work. The church is the best hospital to heal my wounded soul.
Recalling that I was first time to believe my Lord, in 2008. That year, when I was completely desperate, I had a suicide plan. I was going to the Tibetan plateau, and put up a tent below the moonlight, then make myself drunk with a bottle of whiskey. Then, I would cut the pulse to suicide. I believed that the wolves will smell my blood, and tracked my. By then, I could let the wolves to eat my body cleanly. This world, I do not owe anyone. I should leave this cruel world.
That year, I live in Shenzhen, China. When I planed to die, who knows, one day the evening, God saved me. That evening, when I walked to come home, a young man distributed a gospel leaflet to me. I decided to go to the church before I die. In the evening of April, when I first time to enter the church, when the music sounded, I could not help to cry, again and again. Since then, every Sunday I must reach the church to cry. After one year later, I believe in Jesus.
The church that made me believe Jesus is called San Antony Church. It is the only Catholic Church in the downtown, Shenzhen.
On the altar of the church, there is a slogan: “Lord, I am here, please send me!” This word made me cry. Staring at the slogan, I knew the mission of my life. That is to live with the glory of the Lord.
The church's choir is always singing such a song: “Lord, I can not afford it, you come to my heart. As long as you say a word, my soul will be cured.” This song made me cry. Singing such a song, I knew the direction of my life. I should be the lighthouse of this times, so that my body reflects the light of God, to illuminate the world.
So I did. In 2009, I arrived to Beijing, to use the God’s light to illuminate the capital. But then, the Beijing Municipal Public Security Bureau cracked me. A few years later, when I returned to Shenzhen, I was not the original I had. I reborn, dare to do anything. Immediately, the Shenzhen Municipal Public Security Bureau also suppressed me. I had to with my soul trauma, fled to the United States.
I did not give the democracy and the freedom to the Chinese people. I did not become the nation father of the Chinese people. I'm just a vessel that God ever used. Then, God set the greatest task to another chosen one whom is more suitable to do it, so, I had to leave. However, these experiences, let me understood that God was going to drive me to the United States, to treat my soul trauma, which for me, is endless happiness and joy. Thanks God.
However, I reached the United States in 2005. Two years passed, looking back at the past life, I think, the original, my soul trauma is more serious than I imagined. I did not take my medicine well. Whenever the deadly night, I will be deeply pain for those born with the human suffering. I pray, worship, read Bible, but still can not reduce the pain.
This pain, in psychology and psychiatry, is called the Sequela of Tyranny Trauma, and also known as Schumann Syndrome.
Nowadays, I should go back to what happened in 2008. I should find a church resounded through the organ and the hymns, to heal my soul trauma. So, in Washington DC, Basilica Church, there is the world's most wonderful music. This is the reason that I was going to attend Mass in this morning.
It is a beautiful church, like a wonderful dream. It will make you heartbreaking. Since the first time I saw the building, I will never forget it. It often emerge in my heart, like a childhood dream, like a fairy tale. Yes, since it has been seen, I should calm, and sleep into the God’s arms, to weep.
