女兒語錄(15）Quote of My Daughter(15)

曾铮

When my daughter was nearly nine, I faced the danger of being sent back to a forced labor camp. I had no choice but to flee my country, leaving her behind with her father to manage without me. A year later, still having not found me, the police took her father away to an unknown place.
On my daughter's tenth birthday I phoned her to wish her a happy birthday. She said,
“I am not happy at all!”
Tears welled up in my eyes. I asked her, “Is there any news about your father?”
“It's all your fault! It's all your fault!” was her answer…
I was speechless. Coldly she said from the other end of the line, “Do you have anything else to say?”
Tears flooded down my cheeks. I knew she didn't mean to hurt me so deeply, and that these weren't really her own words - she must have heard them from others. Still, my heart ached all the same.
It reminded me about a story I had read a long time ago. It was about a female author from the former Soviet union who had been wrongfully imprisoned. Her teenage daughter wrote to her and asked, “Mother, please tell me, are you guilty or are those who imprisoned you guilty? If it is you, I shall hate you; if it is those who imprisoned you, I shall hate them!” The mother feared that attacking those in power would put her daughter's life in danger, so she decided to swallow a bitter pill and tell her that she was guilty. As a result, they both suffered for the rest of their lives.
I do not intend to walk the same path as this author. But living in a foreign country makes communication difficult. Also, the telephone in our house back in China was tapped and the letters I wrote to my daughter were confiscated before she received them. It is very difficult for me to protect an innocent young heart from being poisoned by the constant lies coming from the country's propaganda machinery.
女兒將滿九歲時，我面臨再次被關進勞教所的危險，不得不遠遁他鄉，留下了她與她父親相依為命。一年後公安抓不到我，就將她父親抓到了不知何地。
女兒十歲生日那天，我打電話給她，祝她生日快樂，她說：「我一點也不快樂！」
淚水湧上了我的眼睛。我問她：「有爸爸的消息了嗎？」
「都是你害的！都是你害的！……」
「……」
我說不出話來。她在電話那頭冷冷地問：「你還有事兒嗎？」
我的眼淚撲簌簌地掉了下來。我知道這不是她的本意，「都是你害的」這話一定是她從別人那兒聽來的。我在她身邊時，她本來已經明辨了是非，然而多年來被謊言和鐵腕統治奴役著的人們，不但已經習慣了強權就是真理，腦子里也沒有了對錯是非的概念，甚至很難原諒那不能夠昧著良心在思想上接受奴役因而被迫害的人。
我的心又一次比刀割還要疼。女兒長到十歲，第一次用這樣的口吻跟我講話。我不會去責怪她，然而一想到她那潔白無暇的幼小心田正由於謊言的催生而長出帶毒的仇恨，我的心就象裂了一樣，滴滴答答地往外淌血。
我想起以前在哪兒看過的一個前蘇聯女作家的故事。這個女作家被冤枉關在監獄里的時候，她十幾歲的女兒寫信給她，問她，媽媽，請你告訴我，到底是你錯還是關你 的人錯？如果是你錯，我就恨你；如果是關你的人錯，我就恨他們。這位母親怕女兒若是恨當權者在外面就會吃苦頭，所以就狠著心腸告訴女兒是她自己錯。結果她 女兒和她都為此而痛苦了終身。
我不想重復那位前蘇聯女作家的路，但遠在他鄉通訊不便，家裡的電話被監聽，我寫給女兒的信總是被扣留。要呵護一個處於由整部國家機器的造謠宣傳所構成的巨大壓力之下的幼小心靈，竟是那樣地艱難。